Looking at other people and comparing yourself to them, questions start formulating. Envy begins to open.
"Why can't I just look like them?"
The eye opener to jealousy.
I can't even look in the mirror fully. If I do, I'd stare at it for the longest time, pointing out the features I don't like. As I stare longer, they start moving, becoming more unpleasant to my eyes.
I'd hold the mirror closely, trying to find and see my most beautiful features, but every time I look for them, they suddenly disappear.
I think I stare at the features people tell me stand out more because I can't see them anymore—I can't see what people liked about them. As if I stare at them so much that they now look just like normal assets of me.
My eyes. People have told me my eyes are pretty, that they look unique. Why can't I see that? They've compared my eyes to celebrities', but I don't even see the similarities. I have big eye bags, my lashes are short and fall down. They're small, but my tear bags and eye bags make them look big and prominent, which I don't like. I have a tear line beside the end of my eyes. Makeup doesn't suit me, but I pretend it does.
I do like it when they tell me the assets they like about me, but when I think about it, I start seeing the extra features I have, which leads to invalidating their opinion, making me look like I'm just fishing for attention and compliments.
It's funny to think that someone out there actually likes the features we ultimately hate. How can they see the beauty of it when all you can think of is how rotten it is?
"If I give you my eyes, you'd understand how I like this part of you."
But if I give you my eyes, you'd hate me too.
We often compare people to ourselves. When we see someone similar to us in features, height, weight, and mentality, we still see the most beautiful thing about them and compare it to ourselves, despite having almost the same assets.
Looking in the mirror, our eyes see the complete opposite of what we are. Our brain just works like that. The positive becomes the negative. But looking at others, the negative becomes the positive.
Even putting on makeup to feel pretty and posting it, receiving compliments—it seems good at first, we feel good. But after a while, we feel like a fraud. Guilt arises. People are complimenting you, but you don't feel like you're all that after removing the makeup.
It feels like a different identity you set for yourself because you can't actually achieve looking and feeling that way.
I believe that beauty exists in everyone. Everyone is beautiful in their own way, so why can't I see it in myself? Does beauty limit itself to how a person looks?
I think of it as the sonder effect. When you compare yourself to so many people but then you realize that it's not just you. Everyone has their own struggles too. Someone around you is probably experiencing the same thing. Maybe you compare yourself to them, but they also compare themselves to you. It makes you think about how many people out there are alike. Realizing you're not alone.
The people you compare yourself to might also be comparing themselves to someone else. It's a never-ending cycle. But breaking it starts with self-compassion. It's a journey, but with time, you'll start seeing the beauty that others see in you. You are more than your reflection. Everywhere you go, you are you.
