Growing up in a household where affection was not shown made living somewhat easier. Easier in a way that understanding how the world works from a young age wasn't that hard because I had to learn everything by myself.
All I wanted was someone to guide me in life. I made embarrassing mistakes because I hadn't learned yet and had no idea how to do certain things. As I began to learn more about the world, I had to build courage and walls around me to protect myself.
I needed to grow up early because no one was there for me.
Any sort of sadness, even crying, was prohibited in the house. They called it being dramatic. But, I was a kid. I had the right to cry and be sad because I was the only one there for me.
I had no siblings to share my worries with. Even as an only child, I received no attention. So I strived hard, worked hard to earn the attention I yearned for, to become the kid they wanted, the kid I heard them talking about. At least, the word 'proud' was something I wanted, but even that I never heard from them.
The first time I heard that word was from a distant relative who only knew me for my "talents." She told me how proud she was because my hard work showed and my improvement was great. I almost cried because I wanted to hear that, but the thought of 'them' saying it instead kept arising.
I'm just a kid looking for validation after all. I wanted to feel validated all the time because the attention I 'deserved' was instead given to others. Not that I really care, but what difference would it make if they were the ones who said how proud they were, loud and clear? Not on social media, not when talking to other relatives, but rather, straight to my face.
It's not even the word 'proud' I've longed for. It's another three words that would surely make a change. I haven't heard them say it to each other, so I'm guessing it is also hard for them to say it to me, if they do mean it.
It's not me who wants to hear it; it is the child inside me still longing for the childhood she missed. The words that any loving family would say to each other.
"I love you." A phrase that would make a change in every kid's perspective. Words that would stay with me forever if they just said it.
Although parent validation is very needed as children, as teens, even as adults, especially when growing up, once your mind starts prioritizing yourself first, you'll realize that there is more to life. There are more opportunities open in the universe than going back to craving the validation that they will never give.
Again, I learned everything by myself. I taught myself things that adults should teach their kids. I had to make realizations about growing up. Being independent is not bad. Learning is a process; don't expect to comprehend everything in just a day. Experience is a big part of learning.
But I still wonder. If they did say those words to each other, not just to me; am I able to say those words to others too?
- anyaseop
